


turn out the lights

by Karturtle (karturtle)



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, He gets it, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Klaus Hargreeves is a Good Brother, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, Withdrawal, shes doing her best, tua creators bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24246745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karturtle/pseuds/Karturtle
Summary: Vanya learns that withdrawals suck. Thankfully, her brother knows a thing or two about it.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 13
Kudos: 353





	turn out the lights

**Author's Note:**

> say you wish you could find some way to help  
> not to be so hard on myself  
> so why is it easy for everyone else?  
> i'm not always like this  
> there's always tomorrow, i guess.
> 
> -turn out the lights, julien baker

It was a bad, bad day. Withdrawals were awful.

Sitting in the kitchen, Vanya was digging her nails into her arms hard enough to leave marks while she willed her body to stop shaking. She wasn’t even cold- the logical part of her brain told her that her nervous system was probably just overreacting without something to keep it calm.

Worse than the shakes were the ‘brain zaps’. The zaps were unsettling and disorienting and she could never predict when the next one would come. It was almost like trying to wait out hiccups, and it made it impossible to focus on anything- and she’d tried. She only got through half of a Beethoven piece, the zaps causing sudden stops and unexpectedly wrong notes before she gave up in a fit of frustration. Her powers made sheet music fly violently around the room as she made a loud, agitated noise. 

Now, not sure she wanted to be alone with her powers and anger, but not really sure what she wanted at all- she sat in the kitchen with a now-cold mug of tea in front of her. Her nails dragged down her arms, leaving red scores. 

A lack of sleep and her list of symptoms for the day left her agitated and manic, and she was trying hard not to spiral considering how her powers got when she was too emotional. She didn’t want to take the Academy down a second time, didn’t want to hurt anyone- except. Well, she kind of did. Not in a murderous way, she just- understood Diego and Luther’s constant need to punch things to cope a lot better than she used to.

Vanya didn’t know how much more of this she could take, but she didn’t know how to relieve it. She felt like a pot starting to boil over and she didn’t know how to let any of the steam loose. Old coping mechanisms from older therapists floated in and out of her mind, but she found they were more aggravating than helpful. ‘Identify your feelings. Go to your happy place. Meditate. Breathe’. 

_Fuck off_ , her brain responded to the suggestions.

Too stuck in her own thoughts, she didn’t notice her sibling until it was too late.

“Hey, Van.” Klaus greeted, giving her a nod and a smile as he moved into the kitchen, a long skirt trailing after him. A flash of irritation washed over her- if it was Allison or Five that would be one thing, but while she didn’t have much to hold against Klaus, he was so.. _Loud._ She didn’t think she could handle it gracefully today.

He proved her point as he started opening and shutting cabinets, digging through the fridge, setting a plate down on the counter with a clank. He even mumbled to himself - or to someone else. She and the rest of the Hargreeves were still trying to figure out what was a chatty ghost and what was Klaus being Klaus. Vanya didn’t know how long she sat there, her nails digger harder and harder into her skin as she breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth and tried to stay calm. Eventually, though, she had to _crack_.

“Klaus, would you just _shut up_?” She demanded as she twisted in her chair to face him, the cup in front of her giving an ominous rattle and spilling most of her tea over the edge. He immediately froze in response, his expression falling. He quickly plastered on another, but she definitely saw the brief moment of hurt before he put on another easygoing mask.

“Shit.” Vanya said. Shame washed over her at the outburst. “I’m so sorry.” She blurted, running her fingers through her hair and clenching her fists at her scalp, “That was unfair, I’m sorry, I’m- the withdrawals today are just-"

“ _Oh_.” Klaus said simply, the realization dawning on his face, “It’s okay, Vanya.”

“No, it’s not, that was shitty and we both know it-”

“Hey, you would not _believe_ the things I’ve said to Ben on my pricklier days.” Klaus said. He was back to rummaging through a cupboard. This time, however, he made sure to close the cabinets gently and not to clink the dishes around as he moved. “ _And_ vice versa.” He snorted, holding up a rag, “It’s cute that you guys still think he’s an innocent little bookworm. He knows like three languages and tells me I’m making bad choices in _all of them_.”

He artfully stepped over to the table, his skirt swishing around his legs while he picked her cup up and set the rag down to start soaking up the tea mess. Then, “I’ll be right back.” He said with a considerate frown, and she nodded numbly before he disappeared down the hall. 

The hopeless, angry part of her suggested he probably wasn’t coming back and just wanted to get away from her craziness. But it was Klaus, and if _she_ was crazy.. To prove the point, he soon blazed back into the room with a black bundle in his arms.

“Put this on.” He suggested, setting it down on the table instead of handing it to her directly. “It’ll help.”

Irritation scratched beneath her skin, not wanting to be told what to do, but she reached forward to grab it regardless to try and keep the peace. Unrolling it, she realized it was a comfortably worn-down hoodie.

“Is.. is this Ben’s?” She asked, confused.

“No- well, maybe, actually.” Klaus frowned thoughtfully, “No, wait, you’re right, I definitely stole this from Ben.”

 _Surprise, surprise_. Vanya huffed out a small laugh at his antics.

Then she carefully shrugged the hoodie on- it was a size or two too big, and made of heavy material that weighed on her shoulders. It smelled like a bizarre mix of something flowery and something that was almost definitely weed, but it was something she associated with Klaus. And that small fact was somehow comforting to her, just a little. So she sank back into her chair and into the fabric, the hood bunching up around her neck.

“It helps sometimes, to just have something heavy? It’s kind of grounding.” Klaus said, rocking back and forth on his heels and his toes with a strange expression, his movement betraying his nerves.

“I think you’re right.” Vanya said softly, starting to connect the dots. Even if she wasn’t feeling many more emotions than ‘fuck this’ or ‘fuck you’, she could recognize that Klaus was the resident authority on dealing with withdrawal. He was clean- hell, cleaner than she was, but she distantly remembered the days after the not-apocalypse where he hid himself away, snapped at them, or cried in strange places.

“Do you think a hug would help?” Klaus interrupted her thoughts like he was shoving the words out of his mouth as quickly as he could.

Vanya took a deep breath and slowly let it out through her nose, genuinely considering it. “I think.. That if someone touched me right now.. I’d throw them into the wall.” She said carefully, watching Klaus’ expression.

To her bizarre satisfaction, he nodded like that was a perfectly reasonable answer. “Sounds about right.” He replied absently, his eyes wandering the room before focusing in on her again. Ghosts, or Klaus’ attention span? Who knew.

“You’ve just gotta wait it out, Van.” He sighed, smiling regretfully, “And try not to burn too many bridges along the way.”

She tapped her fingers on the table, focusing on the sound and the vibration- before stopping herself. No going down the ‘catastrophic powers’ rabbit hole, not while she felt like.. _this_.

“I’m just…” Her hands clenched into fists, wondering just how much he’d _get it_ , “Klaus, I’m- I’m so _angry_. And even after everything that happened.. I’m not used to it. I don’t know what to do with it.”

Was it a warning? Maybe. Or maybe she just wanted to be heard while someone was there to listen. She expected her brother to shrink away or find some convenient excuse to vanish, a spiteful voice in her head reminding her of how she and her unstable powers could just be too _much_ for her siblings some days. But Klaus only sighed and leaned his hip against the table, staring down at her. 

“That’s okay.” He said, “Is your brain like.. screaming at you and lashing out at everything? That’s not you, that’s just..” He made a face. “Chemistry and brain stuff. You can’t help it right now.”

She didn’t think anything could soothe the beast clawing in her chest, but Klaus’ words helped. Maybe only a little, but she’d take what she could get.

“Klaus,” She asked suddenly, as soon as the question popped up in her mind. She twitched, her brain.. well, zapping. “Can I- can I ask you something?”

His face lit up. “Anytime!” Klaus agreed.

She clenched her fists on the tabletop. “Are you ever-“ Her nails bit into her palms as she tried to consider how to phrase it, how to get the point across. “Did you ever feel..” _Scared._ “Concerned? I- I know you were on drugs for.. for a really long time.” She worried her lip, not sure just how candid they could be about the subject, “So when you were stopping.. was it hard, not knowing what.. what you were supposed to be like after?”

He looked confused but kindly concerned, brow furrowed as he tried to follow along. “You mean like..” He hummed, “You- _I_ was on drugs so long, so was it scary not knowing who I was going to be without the high?”

She breathed out a deep sigh, nodding. “Yeah. Exactly that, yeah.”

“Well..” Klaus sucked in a breath through his teeth, cocking his head to the side, “My timelines were always a little rushed. But.. yeah? C’mon, it was practically baked - get it, baked - into my personality. ‘ _Klaus the drug addict_ ’-“ He snorted unexpectedly, “It was almost like my brand. If I wasn’t him, who was I supposed to be?”

She only nodded. He seemed lost in thought, blinked, then he let out a soft ‘oh’ when he realized the conversational ball was still in his court. 

“Soo.. yeah. Yeah, Van, it was fucking scary. Once or twice I think that’s why I fell off the wagon, honestly- back on the streets, I mean.” He rambled, “It was too big and scary, looking into a future where I had to be Klaus The Adult and act ‘normal’ and ‘fix’ myself.” Klaus made a face at the very thought. “It’s hard, getting kicked out of rehab and then knowing it’s all up to you to fix your shit. Even _with_ Ben around.”

Her heart sank. “Oh.” She said. That certainly didn’t bode well for her. But it wasn’t like she could fall off the wagon, could she? After the apocalypse they had her taking her full dose and slowly weaned her off of it, and now she was finally out of pills and it was leaving her system. But she couldn’t deny that life was easier on the pills, as much as she hated feeling ordinary. Could it be enough, just knowing she had these powers under the surface? That she counted as a member of the Academy in her own strange way?

It must’ve been written all over her face. “But!” A panicked Klaus near-shouted, causing her to flinch away and glare with the strength of a thousand suns. He grinned sheepishly, adjusting his volume. “Sorry. Sorry. I was just gonna say- I think it never stuck because I didn’t have anyone back then. I mean, Ben, but I’d been tuning out that shithead for years. And he tried, but he couldn’t do _much_ to support me.

“Now, though-“ Klaus gestured with his hands, a knowing smile on his face, “I had… I’ve got _people_. And with hi- them, by my side and willing to help, that makes the future a lot less scary.” He made a soft noise. “Rehab was always hounding me about having a support system to stay sober- guess they knew something after all.”

“Oh.” She repeated.

“Is that…” He worried his lip with his teeth, “Is that helpful? I’m not usually the pep talk guy.”

“I…” She took a deep breath and let it out, slowly unclenching her fists so that she could hide her hands in the oversized hoodie. “I think.. I think it did, actually.” She could still feel the anger bubbling beneath the surface of her skin. She still felt like she was a hair trigger away from _something_ , and she didn’t want to find out what it was. 

But the reminder that she wasn’t alone helped. Even if she didn’t trust certain siblings as much as others.. She wasn’t alone in all this. Especially with Klaus here.

Vanya looked at her brother in a strange new light. He hadn’t run away or made her feel like shit, not even when she flung her tea all over the table with her mind. So.. so no, Vanya wasn’t alone. Vanya had support.

Maybe she’d make it through.

“Thanks, Klaus.” She said softly.

“Like I said,” He replied, grabbing the rag and soaking up the rest of the mess before tossing it in the direction of the sink. It hit a cabinet and slid to the floor, but the thought was there. “Anytime, Van.” A pause. "Are you sure you don't want that hug?"

She scoffed out a small laugh. "Klaus, I love you, but go away." Vanya said mildly, the edge of her mouth quirking up in a small smile.

"Yeah," Klaus agreed, "Fair enough."

**Author's Note:**

> for the 'hoodie' square on my TUA creators bingo card!
> 
> inspired by real life events a few days ago where i ran out of my prescription antidepressant and was furious and miserable and brain-zappy. i had people around to help take care of me and pick up my prescription though, and that helped me feel less like garbage even if i had to hide myself away so i wouldnt lash out at people. having something heavy like a thick hoodie or a big blanket helps my nerves chill though, so thats why i went with 'hoodie' for this one.
> 
> if you don't know what brain zaps are... it doesnt hurt, but theyre weird as fuck. its literally like youre being lightly shocked. for me its like, all of a sudden, my perception shifts ever so slightly and im thrown out of the loop for a second and have to regather my thoughts. google it! fun times!
> 
> let me know what you think- this was one of my first times writing solely from a vanya POV and it was heavily inspired by, well, me. which is fine because i, too, am a short, pissy lesbian with mental health issues. anyways, hmu on tumblr at @karturtle, and thanks for the read!


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